Less Is More: Mastering Ceremony Restraint

Restraint. It’s one of the most powerful tools a celebrant can call on.

Not showiness.
Not control.
Not performance.

It’s knowing when to hold back and allow there to be breathing room, and moments of reflection.

There’s a lot of noise and pressure around what it means to “perform” as a celebrant. But the truth is, some of the most powerful moments happen when we step back instead of stepping in.

Why restraint matters

I’ve seen first hand and heard about a lot in my time.

I’ve seen celebrants fall into the trap of directing the wedding party like a stage manager, cracking jokes to fill the silences, or using little pet-names for the couple. I’ve heard about ceremonies turning into stand-up routines where the celebrant chases laughs, making themselves the most memorable person in the room. Others add their personal take (ie monologue) on commitment and love. And some try to manufacture emotion by piling on sentimental phrasing instead of trusting the real moment already happening.

It might be well-intentioned but it does shift the focus away from where it belongs. The couple ends up feeling like they’re being managed, rather than married.

I don’t think that’s our job, as celebrants.

How I work differently

I let the couple lead. If they want to include a cultural element, they’ll tell me how they want this to unfold during our planning session. I don’t assume. I don’t over-suggest. I ask questions and follow their cues. They know what’s meaningful to them.

I hold space - I don’t take it up. That means resisting the urge to narrate every beat of the ceremony. Sometimes a pause says more than a paragraph ever could.

I also don’t insert myself into the couple’s story. That means skipping the “When I got married…” anecdotes, or sweeping statements like, “Marriage is a journey. full of mountains and valleys….” Enough already!

And I don’t give pep talks. If someone’s nervous, I don’t stand there like a coach at half-time. I offer calm. A beaming smile. A steady hand.

I read the room. I follow the energy, rather than trying to force anything. If it’s joyful, I let that rise. If it’s tender, I don’t rush it.

The best moments happen naturally

The best moments in a ceremony are often the ones we don’t script - the ones we don’t force.

Less really is more.